Following up on my very recent post about the problems with FarmVille, I have taken the liberty to suggest an upgrade targeted specifically at real people. Let’s face it, this rotten game is only popular with goody-two-shoes people, and if you read the earlier post, you’ll know just why.
Titled FarmKill, this game will feature the following improvements:
1. Dark Characters: The FarmVille characters (even the male ones!) look pretty, nice and all-round heart-warming. Real people aren’t. Farmkill will allow the players to chose looks, expressions and outfits that personify realism (read: evil) in every way.
2. Weapons: Although no actual weapons will be introduced at first, common FarmVille tools will be usable as weapons. You want to chop off your neighbor’s head with your scythe? Sneak up on him from behind and make him bleed. Your neighbor’s been sending you too many stray black sheep? Rip her face off with your rake.
3. Pandemics: Your neighbor receives a pig from you, as a gesture of goodwill, only to come back the next day and realize that her character and her entire farm have been infected with the H1N1 virus. Everything dies. The land is yours now, thanks to the pandemic-disguised-as-a-gift. Further improvisations on the pandemic could be mad-cow disease (gift-a-cow) and bird-flu (gift-a-chicken).
4. Surround and Conquer: Seek out your neighbor’s neighbors via FarmKill GPS, make friends with them, send them real gifts (not pandemics) and then become allies in taking over a common neighbor’s farm. Both share ownership of the new farm, until one of you sends the other a pandemic disguised as a gift. (Read point 3)
5. Alive and Suffering: In case you don’t want to kill your neighbor to take over her farm (because that scores lesser points), you can offer her alcoholic drinks as gifts, spiked with Rohypnol (the date rape drug), impregnate her and make her sign her farm over to you, all while she’s drugged. You keep the farm while she has to raise the kid as a single mother, never remembering who the daddy is. All you do is watch her suffering. Perfect if your neighbor happens to be a bitchy ex.
6. Annihilate: After you have collected enough FarmKill points and have reached a certain stage, you can have the option to use your farm as a cover for a nuclear weapons test base, with the test subjects being your neighbor’s farms. After you nuke all your neighbors, you own their land. The downside is, you can’t grow anything there for 100 years, but that’s okay, ‘cos that’s like 5 days in Internet years.
FarmKill 6 – 0 Farmville
[...] and offer to clean up my weeds on FarmVille. I. Hate. FarmVille. I’ve said it before here and here. But it happens. And thanking them in any way besides sending them back a cow would be [...]