They’re saying the worst of the recession is over and by the end of 2009 things will start to look up again. I don’t know. I’m no financial analyst, and I don’t much know how these things really work, although my investment banking friends who I frequently meet for drinks wouldn’t be able to tell, since I disguise my ignorance rather smoothly. I am, and always have been an advertising slut. A reasonably large industry in this part of the world, it churns out more of this and that than material anyone would want to be even remotely associated with. My personal interest has waned over the years, and I’m in it for the dough, which is why the term “slut” was used earlier. To be entirely honest, I know that a lot of people that were let go of were way better than me, but they lacked the one thing that I so proudly display on an every day basis. The ability to look busy.

I don’t give too much of a shit at work. I don’t take it too seriously. I don’t go home and think about the office. I am moderately successful, and am happy to go through this global financial recession if I am just able to maintain that. And I will. On an office floor of 80 odd people, I would classify myself as middle-management, and seem like I’m quite good at what I do. How, you ask, considering I’m actually useless? Let me tell you.

1. Be visible. The worst thing people can do, even if they truly are busy, is hide in their offices or cubicles, only coming out for short toilet breaks, and to leave the office. If you’re not seen at work, no one will remember what you do. I make sure I take a brisk stroll through the office with sheets of paper in my hand (these could be anything, just make sure you carry something with company letterhead, for effect).

2. Make it look urgent. Whether I am walking to the photocopier, going to the empty conference room to make a personal phone call, or just making my way to the other end of the office to let out a silent fart so my cubicle-neighbors don’t wince, I make sure that I take quick steps in long strides, with my body arched forwards. If you look urgent, you look busy. Period.

3. Look flustered. To the onlooker, agitation is a sign of a non-acceptance of the mediocre. During these brisk walks through the office, I occasionally (not always, ‘cos that would be overkill) look upset and flustered, mumble to myself and make sure my footsteps are heard. I pretend to ignore everyone I pass by, even if I’m really heading nowhere. It makes me look like the perfectionist who’s just been horrified with an artwork of mediocre standards, and he’s going to set the culprit straight. Winner, this one.

4. Conference room etiquette. Always carry a legal pad into the conference room. Make sure the legal pad has been filled with some writing before, even if it is your list of “Swear words I know in German”. A conference room is the best place to get noticed as a “hands-on” motherfucker, so notch up your timid nodding to some real “note-taking” and asking irrelevant questions. A trick I use personally, when i don’t know what question to ask, is to pretend to take notes of what the speaker is saying, and then raising your hands and asking them to repeat the last bit because you missed it while taking notes. Prepare to get dirty looks from the others, but hey, your boss will think you’re the only one that’s listening.

5. Say “Yes” to jerk-off sessions. This one’s an after-thought to point 4 above. Every agency has the frequent internal mass email invite to the boardroom at 3.00pm for a “brainstorming session” regarding some obscure client pitch, or something. Attendance isn’t mandatory, but will be appreciated. I make it a point to go to every single one of these. For starters, these mental masturbation sessions are great time-killers. you walk out having achieved nothing, and oh, look at the clock, it’s time to go home. Additionally, these also provide enough visibility int the “note-taker” and general “guy-who-gives-a-fuck” categories. Win-win situation, I say.