The car slowed down as we came to a stop at the signal. A woman I would rate a 7.5 made her way along the pavement, heading towards me from quite a distance. Her elegant sunflower-yellow summer dress with a modest slit swayed in the light breeze. Adequately concealed behind my Ray-Bans, my eyes followed her as she walked past my window, after which I tilted my head ever so slightly to catch a glimpse of her in my RVM. Full view attained. Right-click, Save as, into my “Chicks I checked out today” folder. The signal turned green, and off I went. Oh, did I mention my wife was next to me? She had no clue what just happened. Is she dumb? No, she’s actually quite sharp. Am I a God? Well, not in the sense you’re thinking. How cool am I? Very. Here are my rules.

1. Keep still but relax. Unless you just got let out of the can, there’s really no need to get too excited. Keep your body relaxed, and your head and neck still. It is only natural to ogle with all of your body, but resist the temptation. It’s called “eye-balling” for a reason. The only muscles you need to use are in your retina. Sunglasses are a great way to not let your eye movements get spotted. If it’s dark, pretend to scratch the side of your head, thereby concealing your eye movements from your missus.

2. Breathe normally. You’re going to start breathing heavy when those legs walk by, so you hold it. Well, first, unless the radio’s on loud, she’ll notice and glance at you, and catch you ogling. Second, if the hottie’s got a long walk to make, it isn’t worth it for you to hold your breath. It’s just gonna hurt you. And third, in case the hottie does glance at you, she will be terrified by this blue, drooling monster sitting behind the wheel. Your wife will see her face, look at you, and you’re fucked. Control your breathing. Do some yoga.

3. Avoid your catchphrase. Every guy has one. That one thing you say when you see a hot mama. Mine is “Oh, Hello”. It comes out velvety and suave, without being overly crude. I’ve heard “What Up” being used as well. Whatever your fancy, catchphrases are reserved for guys-only scenarios. Mine used to come out naturally, even if my mom was next to me. Learn the rare art of self-control.

4. Set your targets. The mistake most guys make is trying to over-achieve. You’ve got a nice glimpse of her, and she’s entering the danger-zone, that area where you’ll have to tilt your head enough to get caught. I know it’s tempting, but don’t go for it. Enjoy the few seconds she was all yours, then move on. Acquire another target. It is your inner greed that makes you think you’ll never get caught. You will.

5. Noman’s Glimpse-Glare Inverse (N2GI). I’m a realist. You should be too. Sooner or later, you’re gonna get caught. No matter how smooth you are, every successfully concealed ogle brings you one step closer to being busted. Which presents a challenging situation. Let’s say, in a normal circumstance, you make the mistake of either following the hottie with your head movement, or you let out a sound of appreciation. And the wife catches you. You now have two things you can do, depending on your situation.

a. You’re caught after you’ve achieved 50% or more of the originally assumed ogling time. When you see the hottie, your usually slow man-brain goes to work at top-speed trying to figure out how many seconds of ogle-time you will get before she enters the danger zone. Unless you are ridiculously inebriated, the figures come out pretty accurate. So, your brain tells you that you will be able to make it to 8 seconds without head movements, disturbance, or obstructions. Just over 4 seconds into the ogle, your wife detects foul play and calls you in on it. That’s okay. You’ve got at least half the time you originally assumed, so be happy with it. Change the topic, pretend to be looking at something else, act like you’re deep in thought – whatever. Don’t look back at the hottie, focus on the wife. It will simmer down and be forgotten. This one’s easy; the next one, not so much.

b. You’re caught before you’ve achieved 50% or more of the originally assumed ogling time. This is where the N2GI can be put to use. If you haven’t crossed even half the time your brain was prepared for and you get caught, you have the choice (at your own risk, may I add) to catch another glimpse of the hottie before you respond to your wife’s query. Noman’s Glimpse-Glare Inverse states: The number of seconds you should go back to glimpse at the hottie are inversely proportional to the diameter of your wife’s glare. Basically, the larger the glare (like if she’s fucking pissed off) a simple one-second glare back at the hottie (just to say goodbye) should be enough. If you feel your wife’s glare is more questioning than interrogating, then it’s okay to turn back at the hottie and glimpse at her a few more seconds before you face your wife. Be prepared for the glare to have increased in diameter.

N2GI was devised on the theory that a man must ogle, and is fully backed by evidence that when a man’s ogling has been cut off before he reaches half the assumed time, he will be frustrated. And he will want to go back and ogle some more. You will get into trouble, but at least the last thing you’ll recall before her LV smacks you in the face is the woman in the sunflower-yellow dress with the modest slit.