Confined Wisdom

I said it before. Nobody listened. I warned you guys. DO NOT ENTER THE CINEMA HALL. Remember? But you didn’t listen. You followed your “instincts”, which, obviously are only about as sharp as a bowling ball. I’m not talking to all of you. Most of you reading this do not fall under the aforementioned category. I am talking to you. You fucking mass consumerists of the world.

Vin Diesel was almost there. He had nearly vanished into eternal obscurity, and no one cared about him. Least of all me. And then those motherfuckers from The Fast and The Furious franchise decided that the world need one last installment of crap. And they gave you Fast and Furious (installment # 4, my God). And what did you do? You went to the cinemas in hordes, fucking hordes, and you turned it into one of the highest grossing movies of the year. So what, you ask? So what? I’ll tell you what, assholes. Since then, VD has been signed to do at least six more movies thus far, including sequels to xXx and The Chronicles of Riddick! That’s what. You know what that means? It means we have (and I know this is actually good news for some of you) around 5 more years of VD in cinemas, minimum.

So what is wrong with this world? Why do seemingly intelligent people applaud the mediocre? The Fast and The Furious was good. Because it was something new. And VD had very little to say. Fast cars moving around for no apparent reason tend to give us erections, but only for a while. But can we really keep those boners going when the producers toss out more of the same shit and expect us to take it all in our strides? Apparently, we can. F&F 2, Tokyo Drift, and now F&F 4 all prove this.

If asked to choose between “a lot of the mediocre” and “a little of the truly good” stuff, they would mostly choose the former. Every time. And they do. It is good enough for people if they walk out of a movie and are not ready to vomit: “It was so good that I didn’t even throw up!” And you have to provide it in abundance. One car chase scene? Try 26. Wanna blow up a building? Let’s blow the whole of Connecticut (or may be New York, no one cares about Connecticut).

Give them something that’s actually good, and they look at you suspiciously. Because it surprises them, and their brains, that have aligned themselves to mediocrity, cannot adjust to the sudden shift in stimulation, their hard-drives crash, and the material is rejected. Or left to the critics. Let the people at the Academy decide.

Have we accustomed our brain cells to having minimal stimulation resulting in maximum satisfaction? How is it that you can fill up a movie with fart jokes, obvious (as opposed to hidden) sexual innuendo, floating turd references, yet put enough boob flashes in there to ensure box-office success? Alright, I do like the occasional idiot laugh-riot (Old School, The Hangover, you guys rule), but I really can’t take this action-porn stuff. People like Jason Statham and Vin Diesel are going to be the Chuck Norrises of tomorrow. Can’t we see that? Or at least they should be. Right up there in the Hall of Who-the-fuck-is-that-beefcake along with Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Billy Blanks and Steven Segal. But look what you’ve gone and done now. I dread my two-year old growing up and witnessing “The Transporter: 17″. Because that shit ain’t cool, man.

America is providing the Americans (and the rest of the world, which basically just follows) emperor-sized servings of the average, and you, being the lame-ass mass consumerists you’ve always been, love that shit, because there’s loads of it to go by. And your kudos towards VD, which caused his revival, has led to one more thing, and I thought I’d keep this for the end. VD is directing a movie called “Hannibal the Conqueror”, due for release in 2011. The movie, I predict is going to be such a turd in the face of Hollywood, that people will start dying. Vegetation will start dying. The animal kingdom will start dying. And soon everything will die. And the world will come to an end. The Mayans were close, but not exact. It ain’t gonna happen in 2012, the end of the world. It’s gonna happen in 2011. And it’s all Vin Diesel’s fault. No, wait, actually it’s your fault.