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Happens every year, doesn’t it? Christmas dinner with the family. And I don’t mean just your mom and dad, I mean the whole shebang. Granny’s there. Your uncle that got divorced last year, he’s there. Your aunt that smells like a six-day old cucumber sandwich is there. Annoying nieces and nephews who you don’t want to make silly conversation with are there. You come alone, because you are single, although desperately trying to stay away from the three-o. Age is a fiendish bitch.

And if all of that wasn’t enough, you are not really doing much with your life. Uncle Bunkle says “So, what’s new in your life?” and you want to tell him about that new Swedish sample of coke you got from the shady guy at the tyre shop, but you don’t want to make your grandma cry. Or die. So you talk about how you are looking into a new line of business and are looking for investors, and you stop at that. Because telling him that that new line of business is low-budget bedroom porn with fat, middle-aged Sri Lankan women, and your investors are those teenagers who’re going to set up your SriLankanFattiesBukkake.com domain would just be disastrous, and immensely unappetizing. A real world example of how less is more.

So here’s a guide on how to deal with your extended family and their possible questions. Bear in mind, this is only a quick guide, and all possible permutations of questions/situations can not be dealt with. You will have to use some of your own instinct and tact to make sure there’s a smooth finish every time.

“Any plans on settling down?”

THE TRUTH IS: Your incessant one-night stands with loose women who seem even more drunk than you, are getting you nowhere, simply because you never meet a woman in a sober state. And you don’t really know any of the women. Except for that one time you were taking a vein hit right before this girl was about to go down on you, and as she moved her unkempt hair away from her face you realized she was your cousin. And her dad’s asking this question!

YOU SHOULD SAY: “Although I am not entirely opposed to the idea of settling down and starting a family, I am still establishing a stronghold in my career. I haven’t met the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with yet.”

“One of my dearest friends has a lovely young daughter. Would you like me to introduce you to her?”

THE TRUTH IS: You don’t really care much. For you, women are objects of sex, and as long as she is drunk enough to sleep with you, you’re game.

YOU SHOULD SAY: “Well, I’m very flattered you thought of me. I would love to meet her.”

“Thinking of buying a house?”

THE TRUTH IS: You live in a dodgy part of the industrial end of a city, in a triangular-shaped room with a window that looks out into an old woman’s toilet. She leaves floaters and they stink up all the way to your room. You come home drunk way past 3am with an already cheap hooker charging off-peak, and you make sure the old woman can hear and see everything, because that, in your books, is justice.

YOU SHOULD SAY: “I am looking into a few options currently, but with the situation at hand, I’m not sure if I want to jump into an investment immediately. My apartment in the city is good enough for now, and I will look into purchasing when I’m getting married.”

“How’s the current global economic downturn affecting your line of work? Job cuts? Budget cuts?”

THE TRUTH IS: You have no fucking clue. You are so low rung on the corporate ladder that no one except your equally shit-faced peers talk to you. You did hear about some job cuts upstairs, but it doesn’t affect you, because no matter who’s up there on top, they will always need ass-cans like you to drop some shit on.

YOU SHOULD SAY: “Well, there’s no question that our industry, just like all others has been hit. Having been in the firm for five years, I know that unless they close an entire department down – which is highly unlikely – my job shall remain safe. However, that doesn’t mean we can loosen up, because the pressure to go out and prove our worth is more than ever.”

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”

THE TRUTH IS: You don’t know. Between one state of high and another, you spend your time drinking and womanizing. Sometimes you show up at your measly job in last night’s clothes, your boss screams his lungs out at you, but it’s okay because you hate this job and you consider it to be exactly what you did when you first got it 3 years ago – a temporary arrangement.

YOU SHOULD SAY: “One can never plan these things out in too much detail. However, it is important that one has ambition. I see myself much higher up the corporate ladder in my field of work – either at my current firm, or depending on offers, at a competitors. Or, if I make enough, I might even look at some entrepreneurial opportunities.”

“Well, I’m looking to make some investments, so if you need capital, do give me a shout and we can talk details.”

THE TRUTH IS: The rich relative who’s just offered you money doesn’t know what an ass wipe you really are. You will take that money, and spend it on – no surprises here – booze and women. And drugs. Now go find some eager college senior to type up a make-believe business plan for you, which you will then present to your relative. Make sure you extract enough money to run away from the country.

YOU SHOULD SAY: “Your offer is generous, thank you. I am currently laying out the business model. At the same time, some prospective partners are doing a feasibility study, which will allow us to conduct a thorough SWOT analysis to conceive the steps forward to start operations. Once we have all that in place, I will share our plan with you and we can discuss it further.”

To be honest, this whole Christmas dinner with your family is a crap idea. Get out of it if you can. The only reason to go there is if you aren’t a piece of shit and have managed to make something of yourself. Kudos to you then. Or, if you get word of some weed available in your granny’s possession. Otherwise, skip it. Eat a sandwich, smoke some weed, and do the deed.

Merry Christmas.