A few months ago, I made the slightly over-confident statement that the Mayans got the year wrong when saying the world is ending in 2011, rather than 2012. I did back it up with good reason, and, to tell you the truth, I still don’t see how the world (except for poverty-stricken villages with no access to cinema) will survive the VD overdose. But, for a second, let’s consider that I am being a little partial, and that the end of the world countdown will reach its climax on 22 December 2012, I would say we need to be prepared. Emotionally and habitually. Here are a few suggestions on preparations.
1. STOP SAVING FOR THE FUTURE
Nest-eggs, retirement funds, that house you want to grow old in, your kids’ education, insurance policies – all those things that make you secure about a future, get rid of them. There is no future. In fact, it’s never been more “now” than now. Spend your money on things you can enjoy only for the next two years, live it up, buy a fast car or something. However, if the dealer offers you an extended warranty, say “no”.
2. DON’T MAKE ANY MORE BABIES
We don’t need any more casualties than we’re going to have. This is no time to be bringing a little baby into the world. Adopt an orphan whose last few years can be spent happy.
3. DON’T DIET
It’s not worth it anymore. Put on weight, because that’s free. Don’t watch what you eat, take in anything you’re offered. Who knows, your fat ass may be able to let you float the high seas when all hell breaks loose.
4. DON’T GO GREEN
What’s the point. Our beloved planet is getting completely destroyed, everyone is going to die, and you’re worried about leaving a carbon footprint? Also, don’t bother listening to companies that tell you they’re going green either, because that’s just a scam.
5. GET PROMISCUOUS
Your time is limited and you’re ugly. This is the perfect time to score with the chicks and 2012 is not only your reason, it’s your alibi. It’s the best pick up line ever: 2012. Everyone will be using it next year, you watch.
6. KILL YOUR AMBITIONS
If you’re the type who spends his work hours brown-nosing the guy above, this is the time to stop. I know you hate it, but you do it to get that promotion. Fuck that shit, man. No one’s going to bother about what your business card says when your body is sucked into an implosion.
7. DON’T HOLD BACK
If your husband’s penis is too small, say it. If you think your best friend is a slut, tell her. If the cop waves his arms asking you to stop your car, birdie him. What are you saving it all up for, anyway? Let it out, you’ll die in peace.
8. DON’T LIVE TO TELL THE STORY
Mark my words – there will be survival shelters. Don’t go there. If you are on land when it happens, you will be pulverized in a second. Painless. There’s going to be destruction, and you don’t want to be around to see it. The survival shelters, on the other hand, are going to hold limited amounts of people and supplies, and then, when all is over, they will emerge from the underground, only to see millions dead and no food. You will then get voted out amongst the survivors, killed with bare hands and your body will be eaten. Dying during the event doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?
