Confined Wisdom

3 Idiots (2009) / Director: Rajkumar Hirani / Cast: Aamir Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Sharman Joshi, R. Madhavan, Boman Irani

Idiot 1: I am Munnabhai Rancho. I am not welcome in this college because I am a crook genius. I love the evil dean’s daughter. And I love to hug people say “All is Well.”

Idiot 2 & Idiot 3: And what about us?
Idiot 1: Well, you’re nothing like me. But we’re room mates, so you can tell my story in flashback sequences.

7 Khoon Maaf (2011) / Director: Vishal Bhardwaj / Cast: Priyanka Chopra, Neil Nitin Mukesh, John Abraham, Irrfan Khan

Susannah: My mother died when I was very young. This leaves me always feeling short of love, i.e. I marry men, then I kill them. They are all a bunch of villains, and their personalities have been shown in single dimension because that’s the on;y way the audience will symphatize with me.

8×10 Tasveer (2009) / Director: Nagesh Kukunoor / Cast: Akshay Kumar, Ayesha Takia

Man: I have a super power. I can look into the past by just holding a photograph of that moment.

Woman: Good. I just happen to be investigating a murder, and I have a photo of the victim taken on that very day.

Aa Dekhen Zara (2009) / Director: Jehangir Surti / Cast: Neil Nitin Mukesh, Bipasha Basu

Man: I have a magic camera that clicks pictures which develop into visions of the future. I’m actually one-up on that dude from 8×10 Tasveer because I can prevent crime before it happens.

Woman: Well, that’s a little Minority Report-ish, but guess what – I might get murdered in the next 24 hours and your camera may be able to save me.

Aaja Nachle (2007) / Director: Anil Mehta / Cast: Madhuri Dixit, Akshaye Khanna, Kunal Kapoor, Konkona Sen Sharma

NRI in the US: My dance guru back home is dead. I must return to India to save his theater, and teach his students to dance.
She does.

Amar Akbar Anthony (1977) / Director: Manmohan Desai / Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Vinod Khanna, Rishi Kapoor, Shabana Azmi, Neetu Singh, Parveen Babi

Amar, Akbar and Anthony: We’re long lost brothers, tossed into different faith systems,  because our dad “misplaced” us. He was a dick.

Dad: I found you. What’s it been, like 20 years? Gimme a hug.
Amar, Akbar and Anthony: Yes. We love you dad.

Apna Sapna Money Money (2006) / Director: Sangeeth Sivan / Cast: Ritesh Deshmukh, Celina Jaitley, Anupam Kher, Koena Mitra, Chunky Pandey

Drag queen, Nepalese crook, Hindu priest, gangster, mechanic and two hot chicks that like dancing: We want money, and we are willing to run around for 180 minutes to chase it.

Bachna Ae Haseeno (2008) / Director: Siddharth Anand / Cast: Ranbir Kapoor, Bipasha Basu, Minissha Lamba, Deepika Padukone

Girl 1: Raj dumped me 12 years ago.

Girl 2: Raj dumped me 5 years ago.

Girl 3: I dumped Raj yesterday.

Raj: Sorry Girl 1 and Girl 2.

Girl 1 & Girl 2: That’s okay.

Girl 3: Okay, I will take you back.

Baghban (2003) / Director: Ravi Chopra / Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Hema Malini, Salman Khan

Old man (on the phone with his wife): This is so stupid. Our children have come between us and split us apart. I didn’t know this shit happens.

Old woman (on phone): Well, you have to discard all realism. Just think how effective  this movie will be with the older generation.

Old man: True, but our main target is the youth.

Old woman: Don’t worry. We showed enough of Salman in the promos to bring in the youth.

Bhoot (2003) / Director: Ram Gopal Varma / Cast: Urmila Matondkar, Rekha, Ajay Devgan

Low angle shot of elevator moving up.

Low angle shot of elevator moving down.

Wife: Aaaah! Our house is haunted.

Low angle shot of elevator moving up.

Man: No it’s not.

Low angle shot of elevator moving down.

Ghost: Yes it is
.

Low angle shot of elevator moving up.

Black (2005) / Director: Sanjay Leela Bhansali / Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Rani Mukherji

Deaf/blind/mute girl: Bwaagguhaa… Ppppprrrhh

Teacher: Waaaaaateeerrrr.

Deaf/blind/mute girl: Bwaagguhaa… Ppppprrrhh

Blue (2009) / Director: Anthony D’souza / Cast: Akshay Kumar, Sanjay Dutt, Lara Dutta, Zayed Khan, Katrina Kaif

Guy 1: Let’s lurk in dangerous, shark-infested waters for kicks.

Guy 2: I can hook us up with some tanning spray.

Guy 3: I can hook us up with some fit chicks. And, cherry on top, Kylie Minogue.

Bunty Aur Babli (2005) / Director: Shaad Ali / Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Abhishek Bachchan, Rani Mukherji

Bunty: I’m gonna make my name in crime.

Babli: I’m gonna create a new fashion trend.

Cop: I’m gonna wear my Ray-Bans all day and dance with my future daughter-in-law.

Chak De India (2007) / Director: Shimit Amin / Cast: Shahrukh Khan,Sagarika Ghatge,Vidya Malvade

Coach: Let’s go to McDonald’s.

Female hockey team: Yeah, we’ll beat up some boys there.

Coach: Today, you have learnt a valuable lesson. Now go win the world cup, even though you suck at hockey.

Chandni Chowk to China (2009) / Director: Nikhil Advani / Cast: Akshay Kumar, Deepika Padukone, Ranvir Shorey

Chopstick: Siddhu, dude, let’s go to China.

Siddhu: Okay.

Chopstick: Siddhu, dude, let’s kill the bad guy.

Siddhu: Okay.

Chocolate (2005) / Director: Vivek Agnihotri / Cast: Anil Kapoor, Suneil Shetty, Emraan Hashmi, Tanushree Dutta

Guy under interrogation: I’m gonna tell you what happened last night. Keyser Soze was here.

Cop: Keyser Soze? The guy from “The Usual Suspects”?

Guy under interrogation: Well, yeah, but the Indian one.

Darr (1993) / Director: Yash Chopra / Cast: Sunny Deol, Juhi Chawla, Shahrukh Khan

Psycho: I love you, K… K… K… wait, don’t say “cut”, director…. Kiran.

Kiran: Hmm, there’s a guy who’s been stalking me and writing my name on walls with his blood. I should just go to Switzerland with my husband.

Husband: Yeah, let’s go there. He’ll probably follow us, and we can lead him into international waters and kill him on a boat. Like in “Cape Fear”.

Devdas (2002) / Director: Sanjay Leela Bhansali / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, Madhuri Dixit, Aishwarya Rai

Paro: I’m marrying an ugly guy.

Devdas: I’m an ugly guy.

Paro: No another ugly guy.

Devdas: Okay. I will drink and watch mujras. Then I will die.

Delhi 6 (2009) / Director: Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra / Cast: Abhishek Bachchan, Sonam Kapoor, Divya Dutta, Prem Chopra

Roshan: I’ve just flown in to India from the US. This flick is about me.

Grandma, Ali Beg, Bittu, Jalebi, Gobar: But it’s about us too.

Director: You’re all wrong. This film is about the city of Delhi, and how behind the old walls of this ancient city, people from different religions, although not always in agreement over everything, come together to prove that in their hearts and souls, they are all Indians, and they are proud to be living in the great capital. I have infused many subliminal messages within the screenplay, and I’ve ended it with a moral to the story. this movie is about no one, and yet about everyone.

Black Monkey: Suck my dick. This movie is about me.

Dhadkan (2000) / Director: Suneel Darshan / Cast: Akshay Kumar, Suniel Shetty, Shilpa Shetty, Mahima Chaudhry

Poor boy: Marry me Anjali.

Anjali: No. I’m marrying Rich Boy.

Poor boy: I vow to not be in the movie for the next 20 minutes, and upon my return, I will have become rich, and I will then take over your empire and ruin you.


20 minutes and 3 songs later.

Rich boy (to Anjali): We are poor. Our empire is ruined.

Girlfriend of Poor boy (who is now rich): You shouldn’t have done that. Make them rich again.

Poor boy (who is now rich): Okay. Sorry about that.

Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal (2007) / Director: Vivek Agnihotri / Cast: John Abraham, Bipasha Basu, Arshad Warsi, Boman Irani

Captain: We are the worst team in the lowest football league in England. And we’re all Indians.

Player: Let’s get a new coach and a star striker so we can win the league. We can’t afford anyone, so lets find Indians that will play for us for free.


Coach and star striker arrive. They win the league.

Dhobi Ghat (2011) / Director: Kiran Rao / Cast: Aamir Khan, Prateik Babbar, Monica Dogra, Kriti Malhotra

Shai: Mumbai… aah, it’s beautiful. The people, the air, the poverty, the streets, the cars, the street vendors, this guy who washes my bra…

Munna: Hello, Madam. I secretly love you.

Shai: I know, but I love Arun. He’s deep, and silent. Like the calm of the ocean.

Arun: That’s right. Life, it is also deep. I cry sometimes. because I am moved.

Dhoom (2004) / Director: Sanjay Gandhvi / Cast: Abhishek Bachchan, John Abraham, Uday Chopra, Rimi, Esha Deol

Cop: I need a team of idiots to catch a biker gang that robs banks.

Idiot: All you need is me, bro. I’m more idiot than you can handle.

Cop: Cool. Let’s do some stunts and get some screen time. I’m a little pissed about all the girls ogling at the bad guy.

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (1995) / Director: Aditya Chopra / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, Kajol

Boy: I love you.

Girl: I’m marrying a boy in Punjab.

Boy: I will follow you to Punjab and win over your family by offering them free rice.

Dus (2005) / Director: Anubhav Sinha / Cast: Sanjay Dutt, Suneil Shetty, Zayed Khan, Esha Deol

Head of fictitious Indian anti-terrorist cell: Our country is in danger. Let’s get our troupe of inexperienced but super good-looking babes and dudes who have been chosen to defend this country together, join our hands, say “Let’s Rock” and take some action.

Troupe of inexperienced but super good-looking babes and dudes who have been chosen to defend this country: Let’s Rock!!!!

Ek Ajnabee (2005) / Director: Apoorva Lakhia / Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Perizaad Zorabian, Arjun Rampal

Old man: I’m an alcoholic, but I will go to Thailand to work as a bodyguard. My job will be to protect a 12 year old girl, to whom I will become a father figure of sorts.

Girl: I’ve been kidnapped, you drunk bastard.

Old man: I will find you and kill those who did this.

Fanaa (2006) / Director: Kunal Kohli / Cast: Kajol, Aamir Khan

Terrorist: I’m a tour guide. Let’s have sex without a condom, blind girl.

Blind girl: Okay.


Terrorist leaves her.

Terrorist (10 years later): Hey, I’m back. BTW, I’m a terrorist, and I killed your dad.

Blind girl: Okay… Look, we have a son.

Ghajini (2008) / Director: A. R. Murugadoss / Cast: Aamir Khan, Asin Thottumkal, Jiah Khan, Pradeep Rawat, Riyaz Khan

Sanjay: Who the fuck am I? (reads self-made tattoo) And who the fuck is Ghajini?

Ghajini: You have amnesia. I am Ghajini.

Sanjay: Hi Ghajini. I think I’m supposed to kill you.

Ghajini: No, please don’t do that.

Sanjay: Yes, I will… Muhahahahahha.

Hum Aapke Hain Koun…! (1994) / Director: Sooraj Barjatya / Cast: Salman Khan, Madhuri Dixit, Mohnish Behl

Prem: I love you. And I’m always happy.

Nisha: Ditto!

Prem’s brother (to Nisha’s sister): I love you. And I’m always happy.

Nisha’s sister (to Prem’s brother): Ditto!


Nisha’s sister dies. Prem’s brother (to Nisha): Your sister died. Will you marry me?

Nisha: No.

Hum Tum (2004) / Director: Kunal Kohli / Cast: Saif Ali Khan, Rani Mukherji

Boy: Hello

Girl (5 years later): Hi.

Boy (another 5 years later): Wassup?

Girl (another 5 years later): Nothing. Wassup with you?

Boy (another 5 years later): I love talking to you. Let’s get married.

Girl: Okay, but could someone please kill these animated versions of us?


Iqbal (2005) / Director: Nagesh Kukunoor / Cast: Shreyas Talpade, Naseeruddin Shah

Iqbal (hand signaling): They won’t allow me into the cricket team because I am mute.

Teacher: Well, actually it’s because you suck at cricket, but the mute angle sets well with the audience and they feel sorry for you. Also, you’re poor.

Jab We Met (2007) / Director: Imtiaz Ali / Cast: Shahid Kapoor, Kareena Kapoor, Pawan Malhotra, Dara Singh

Poor little rich boy: I’m depressed ‘cos my mom is bangin’ her business partner. I shall get on a train now.

Vivacious Sikh girl (on train): I live life to the fullest. I’ve run away from home. Let’s have an adventure and secretly fall in love with each other.

Jhoom Barabar Jhoom (2007) / Director: Shaad Ali / Cast: Abhishek Bachchan, Preity Zinta, Bobby Deol, Lara Dutta

Old man in Robin-Hood-meets-dead-peacock attire: Don’t be fooled by my real life star status. I’m just an extra.

Boy (to girl he secretly loves): I love someone else.

Girl (to boy who she also secretly loves): I love someone else. Let’s bring our imaginary lovers to a dance-off. Let’s invite the old man too.

Jodhaa Akbar (2008) / Director: Ashutosh Gowarikar / Cast: Hrithik Roshan, Aishwarya Rai

Akbar: Marry me, Jodhaa.

Jodhaa: Okay, but you will have to eat vegetarian food every Tuesday.

Akbar: Okay. Hey, Hindus are cool.

People: Akbar, you are the best.

Akbar: Thanks. You too.

Kaal (2005) / Director: Soham Shah / Cast: John Abraham, Vivek Oberoi, Ajay Devgan, Lara Dutta, Esha Deol

Cool guy 1: Let’s go into the jungle and find the man-eating tiger.

Cool guy 2: Yeah, let’s also take our girlfriend/wife along and ask them to wear skimpy clothes. At least the audience will have a visual feast. 
Plus, nothing notches up the fear factor more than screaming female voices.

Girls (in unison): Where’s the tiger.. oooh, there it is… heeeeellllllpppppp!

Strange man in the jungle: I’m a ghost.

Cool guys and girls: We see dead people.

Kaante (2002) / Director: Sanjay Gupta / Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Sanjay Dutt, Suneil Shetty, Malaika Arora, Lucky Ali, Mahesh Manjrekar, Kumar Gaurav

Guy 1: Let’s rob a bank.

Guy 2, Guy 3, Guy 4 and Guy 5: Okay.


They rob a bank.

Guy 5: I’m a cop. Gotcha!


Bang, bang, everyone dies.

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (2006) / Director: Karan Johar / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, Rani Mukerji, Preity Zinta, Abhishek Bachchan

Cripple: I hate my wife, she’s a pretentious bitch. I must find my soul mate.

Soul mate: I hate my husband. He’s juvenile and horny. Hey, cripple, you wanna go to a hotel room and do the deed?

Juvenile Husband & Pretentious Bitch (to their respective spouses): This marriage is over.

Cripple & Soulmate: We don’t need to rent hotel rooms anymore.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham (2001) / Director: Karan Johar / Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Jaya Bachchan, Shahrukh Khan, Kajol, Hrithik Roshan, Kareena Kapoor

Son 1: I’m leaving home.

Son 2 (20 years later): I found you. Come home.

Son 1: Okay.

Father: Welcome home. I missed you.

Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai (2000) / Director: Rakesh Roshan / Cast: Hrithik Roshan, Amisha Patel, Anupam Kher

Girl: Oh, my boyfriend died in a freak road accident. Let me go to New Zealand.

Boy in NZ: Hello. Don’t I look just like your dead boyfriend? I dance like him too. Let’s go back to India and find his killers.

Kal Ho Na Ho (2003) / Director: Nikhil Advani / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, Preity Zinta, Saif Ali Khan

Aman: I love you, but I will die. I have a rare heart disease that they haven’t found a cure for since the 70s, which is why they still use it in the movies. Plus, it doesn’t even have a name. It’s just “Rare Heart Disease”.

Naina: Damn… what do I do now?

Rohit: Marry me. I don’t mind being second best. Die Aman, die.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998) / Director: Karan Johar / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, Kajol, Rani Mukherji, Salman Khan

Rahul: My wife died.

Rahul’s daughter: That’s okay. Go find your ex-flame from college.

Rahul: Good idea. I’ll use you as bait.

Kurbaan (2009) / Director: Rensil D’Silva / Cast: Saif Ali Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Vivek Oberoi

Man: Hi, I’m Ehsaan.

Girl: Oh, and you’re in the US? You must be a terrorist.

Man: It really hurts when people say that. Since 9/11, all Muslims have been stereotyped as being dark and sinister people plotting revenge against the Bush administration and the CIA and Blackwater and I’ll have you know that not all south Asian and Arab Muslims are not like that. Some of us still lead normal lives, love the US as our own country.

Woman: Alright I’m sorry. So, what do you do?

Man: I’m a terrorist.

Lagaan (2001) / Director: Ashutosh Gowarikar / Cast: Aamir Khan, Gracy Singh

Bhuvan: My village is poor. We can’t pay our taxes.

British Army Captain: Okay. Let’s play cricket.


Bhuvan & his villagers play cricket with the British Army and win.

Bhuvan: A-Ha, you gora bastards. Now get out of India.

Audience: Wow, India is great.

Lage Raho Munnabhai (2006) / Director: Rajkumar Hirani / Cast: Sanjay Dutt, Arshad Warsi, Vidya Balan

Gangster: Who the fuck are you?

Gandhi’s spirit: I’m Gandhi. Spread my message of peace.

Gangster: Okay.

LOC Kargil (2003) / Director: JP Dutta / Cast: Sanjay Dutt, Ajay Devgan, Saif Ali Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Rani Mukerji, Abhishek Bachchan

Some soldiers: Did we win the war in real life?

Other soldiers: I don’t know.

Some soldiers: What’s the script say?

Other soldiers: It says we kicked major Paki ass.

Some soldiers: Then it must be true. After all, he’s the future director of Umrao Jaan.

London Dreams (2009) / Director: Vipul Amrutlal Shah / Cast: Ajay Degn, Salman Khan, Asin

Arjun (infuriated): I have dreamt of being a singer all my life. I am talented, charming, a little ugly, but I make up for it with intensity. Then why, tell me God, why is all the adoration going towards my best frined (and just about okay singer) Mannu? Tell me………

Priya: Calm the fuck down, man… No one cares.

Love Aaj Kal (2009) / Director: Imtiaz Ali / Cast: Saif Ali Khan, Deepika Padukone, Rishi Kapoor

Boy: My girlfriend and I broke up, but we’re still friends.

Veer Singh: You… are… feeling… very… sleepy. (Snap) Now, go stalk her.

Love Story 2050 (2008) / Director: Harry Baweja / Cast: Priyanka Chopra, Harman Baweja, Boman Irani

Faggot boy: I love you, freaky girl.

Freaky girl: I love you too, faggot boy. (Dies)

Faggot boy: I will go into the future using my friend’s time machine. I’ve heard freaky girl has been born again as freakier girl.


Makes the trip to 2050

Freakier girl: I’m a pop star who does intergalactic concerts on space stations.

Faggot boy: You are the future reincarnation of my dead girlfriend. Come back with me in my time machine.

Feakier girl: Okay.

Main Aisa Hi Hoon (2005) / Director: Harry Baweja / Cast: Ajay Devgan, Sushmita Sen, Esha Deol

Retard: I’m a retard, like Sam.

Girl: Who the fuck is Sam?

Retard: Sam! You know, from “I am Sam” ?

Girl: Oh. That movie bombed, BTW.

Retard: Shit. Has anyone told the director.

Main Hoon Na (2004) / Director: Farah Khan / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, Sushmita Sen, Zayed Khan, Amrita Rao.

Teacher: Aren’t you a little old to be in school?

Man: Well, I’m an Indian army officer disguised as a student. We have to catch this terrorist, and schools are the place to do it. Plus, it also allows me to tackle the sub-plot involving my long lost brother.

Teacher: Okay. You’re cute, let me get into a sari, and we’ll dance.

Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon (2003) / Director: Sooraj R. Barjatya / Cast: Kareena Kapoor, Hrithik Roshan, Abhishek Bachchan

Prem I (to girl): I love you.

Prem II (to girl): I love you. I am Prem I’s boss.

Girl: I don’t know which Prem I love. For me, it’s never been about a person’s character. I’m shallow, and I just needed a guy whose name is Prem. Let me wait until the last frame to decide.

Mangal Pandey: The Rising (2005) / Director: Ketan Mehta / Cast: Aamir Khan, Rani Mukherji, Amisha Patel

Mangal Pandey (perpetually frowning): I hate the British. I hate pigs. I must lead a revolt against both.

Girl 1: I’m a widow, so I just cry all the time. But wait… who’s this white man trying to woo me?

Girl 2: I’m the prostitute with a heart of gold.

Mangal Panday: Die, you white bastards.

Mohabbatein (2000) / Director: Yash Chopra / Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Shahrukh Khan, Uday Chopra, Shamita Shetty, Kim Sharma

School Principal: I hate love.

School Teacher: I love love.

Students: Play the violin and tell us a ghost story.

School Teacher: Okay.

School principal (after listening to violin and ghost story): I love love too.

Mujhse Dosti Karoge (2002) / Director: Kunal Kohli / Cast: Hrithik Roshan, Rani Mukerji, Kareena Kapoor

Man: I love you.

Girl 1 & Girl 2: You talking to me?

Man: I’m talking to Girl 1.

Girl 2: But my daddy just died.

Man: Okay, I’m talking to Girl 2.

Girl 1: But I sent you so many emails.

Man: Okay, I’m talking to Girl 1.

Munnabhai MBBS (2003) / Director: Rajkumar Hirani / Cast: Sanjay Dutt, Arshad Warsi, Boman Irani

People: We hate you. You’re a goon and a gangster.

Munnabhai: I like to hug people.

People: We love you. Hug us.

My Name is Khan (2010) / Director: Karan Johar / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, Kajol, Jimmy Shergill

Khan: My name is Khan. And I am not a terrorist.

Mandira: Marry me, you dashing retard you.

Khan: Ye-es.

Mandira: This post-9/11 prejudice is starting to get to me. Go away, asshole.

Khan: My name is Khan. And I am not a terrorist. I must go on an adventure and tell that to the American president. POTUS, do you read me.

A cross-country trek, racial violence, character side-lining, a massive natural disaster, a gospel song with a church choir, a jail sentence and a family reunion later…

POTUS: I hear you my nigger.

Om Shanti Om (2007) / Director: Farah Khan / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, Deepika Padukone, Shreyas Talpade

Om: I know I’m just an extra, but I love this rising starlet.

Rising starlet: You’re just an extra. I love the movie producer.

Movie producer: Die, you both.


30 years later.

Om: I am reborn as a movie superstar. Let me find the reincarnation of the rising starlet, and then we can both kill the movie producer.

Omkara (2006) / Director: Vishal Bharadwaj
 /Cast: Ajay Devgan, Kareena Kapoor, Saif Ali Khan, Bipasha Basu

Omkara: Fuck you, you motherfucker.

Tyagi: Your bitch of a wife is fucking your second in command.

Second in Command: No she’s not.

Omkara: Fuck you. Die, you bitch.

Paa (2009) / Director: R. Balki / Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Abhishek Bachchan, Vidya Balan, Paresh Rawal

Doctor: Your bastard baby boy has a rare disease called Progeria. Google it. He will look really old and die really young.

Woman (shocked): …. but….

Doctor: Look. I know it’s a rough deal. However, the director felt that the lack of screenwriters meant that the premise, no matter where he takes it, is the most important element in the film. He will kill your son, because killing children in his movies is what he’s good at.

Woman (shocked): …. but….

Paheli (2005) / Director: Amol Palekar / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, Rani Mukherji, Anupam Kher

Man (to wife): I’m going out of town for a while.

Wife: I’ll miss you.

Man (who’s actually a ghost disguised as the husband): No you won’t. I’m right here. Let’s shag.

Wife: Sounds good.

Pardes (1997) / Director: Subhash Ghai / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, Mahima Chaudhary, Amrish Puri

Village girl: I love running through the fields. I love the smell of cow dung. I love my India.

Fiance: Fuck India. Come to the US with me.

Village girl: Yeah, okay.

Fiance tries to rape Village girl.

Fiances adopted brother who secretly loves Village girl: Hey, what you doing, asshole.
 Take this (proceeds to beat the shit outta him).

Village girl: I love you, fiance’s adopted brother. Let’s go back to India. Fuck the US.

Partner (2007) / Director: David Dhawan / Cast: Salman Khan, Govinda,Lara Dutta,Katrina Kaif

Fat boy: I don’t have any luck with girls.

Love Guru: That’s ‘cos you’re fat and ugly. I will, however, give you some tips I picked up while watching the movie “Hitch”.

Patialia House (2011) / Director: Nikhil Advani / Cast: Akshay Kumar, Rishi Kapoor, Anushka Sharma

Gurtej Kahlon: Bloody firangis. I live in their country, but I love my India.

Gattu: I want to play cricket for England.

Gurtej Kahlon: No son of mine will ever play for England.

Gattu: I shall change my name from Gattu to Kaali and play for England. No one will ever know.

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi (2008) / Director: Aditya Chopra / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, Anushka Sharma, Vinay Pathak

Man: My wife doesn’t love me ‘cos I’m ugly.

Friend: Change your hairstyle. Then pretend to be another guy and have an extra-marital affair with her. Only not.

Man: Brilliant!

Race (2008) / Director: Abbas-Mustan / Cast: Anil Kapoor, Saif Ali Khan, Akshay Khanna, Bipasha Basu, Sameera Reddy, Katrina Kaif

Man 1: I’m dead.

Man 2: No I’m dead.

Man 1: Okay, I’m alive.

Man 2: I’m alive too.

Man 1: Let’s have a car chase.

Raincoat (2004) / Director: Rituparno Ghosh / Cast: Ajay Devgan, Aishwarya Rai

Man: It’s raining…

Woman: Hmm…

Man: Hmm… do we have any more lines?

Woman: No.. this movie’s supposed to be arty, and the rain is symbolic.

Man: Okay…. it’s raining.

Saathiya (2002) / Director: Shaad Ali / Cast: Vivek Oberoi, Rani Mukerji

Man (to wife): You’re a bitch.

Wife (to man): You’re an asshole.


Wife gets run over by a car but survives.

Man (to wife): You’re the best.

Wife (to man): You too.

Salaam Namaste (2005) / Director: Siddharth Anand / Cast: Saif Ali Khan, Preity Zinta

Man (in constant nasal voice): I’m sorry I knocked you up and left you to be a single mother. I’m back.

Woman: It’s cool. I knew the DVD of “Nine Months” I sent you would work.

Man: It did. BTW, what’s up with this name Salaam Namaste?

Woman: Remember in the first 10 minutes of the movie, I was an RJ? My show was called Salaam Namaste. Plus we sang that song on the beach… that was called Salaam Namaste as well.

Man (enlightened): Aaah.

Sarkar (2005) / Director: Ram Gopal Varma / Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Abhishek Bachchan, Kay Kay Menon, Tanisha

Sarkar: This is my town.


Bang Bang. Sarkar gets multiple bullet wounds, making him bed-ridden.

Sarkar’s son: This is my town.

Sholay (1975) / Director: Ramesh Sippy / Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Dharmendra, Hema Malini, Jaya Bhaduri, Sanjeev Kumar, Amjad Khan

Thakur (to hired thugs): Bring me Gabbar. Alive. He killed my family, then super-glued my arms to my chest. That’s why my sleeves are empty.

Thugs get him Gabbar.

Thakur (to Gabbar): Finally, I can put these custom-made spikes to use. As revenge, I will step on your wrists and make them bleed.

Tumko Na Bhool Payenge (2002) / Director: Pankaj Parashar / Cast: Salman Khan, Sushmita Sen, Diya Mirza

Man: Why are there holes in my body?

Father: After our real son died, we found your wounded body magically floating, so we adopted you, even though you were an adult with amnesia.

Man: That’s okay. I love you and mom.

Father: Good. Here, drink some milk.

Taare Zameen Par (2007) / Director: Aamir Khan / Cast: Aamir Khan, Darsheel Safary

Dyslexic boy: Everyone says I’m a retard.

Teacher: Well, you are a retard. Why don’t you paint a picture?


Dyslexic boy paints a picture. Every claps.

Teesri Aankh (2006) / Director: Harry Baweja / Cast: Sunny Deol, Amisha Patel, Neha Dhupia

Model: I will go to London for a suspicious modeling job with you two pervy looking guys who keep looking down my blouse and up my skirt.


Pervy boys rape and kill her.

Model’s boyfriend: I will go to London and find my girlfriend’s killers. Wanna help, strange mute girl I randomly met in London?


Mute girl nods.

Umrao Jaan (2006) / Director: JP Dutta / Cast: Shabana Azmi, Aishwarya Rai, Abhishek Bachchan

Aged Umrao Jaan (to man who wants to write her biography): Let me tell you the story of my life. I was a courtesan who fell in love with a rich noble man, but he died.

Man who wants to write her biography: Zzzzzzzz

Veer Zaara (2004) / Director: Yash Chopra / Cast: Shahrukh Khan, preity Zinta, Rani Mukherji

Pakistani lawyer: Me lord. This Indian dude loves a Pakistani chick. He’s been a PoW for 300 years.  Let me explain their love story in excruciating detail. Blah, blah, blah. See? Let him go.

Judge: Well, if he loves her, then okay.

Vivaah (2006) / Director: Sooraj Barjatya / Cast: Shahid Kapoor, Amrita Rao

Boy (whispering): We’re getting married.

Girl (whispering): Yay!

Zinda (2006) / Director: Sanjay Gupta / Cast: Sanjay Dutt, John Abraham, Lara Dutta

Big-haired guy: I will extract revenge upon he who imprisoned me. Will you help me, hot female taxi-driver?

Hot female taxi-driver: Yes, but first let me perform a dance for you in a hotel room.


Big-haired guy takes revenge.

Zindai Na Milegi Dobara (2011) / Director: Zoya Akhtar / Cast: Hrithik Roshan, Katrina Kaif, Abhay Deol, Farhan Akhtar

Kabir: Dude, I’m getting married. Bachelor party in Spain? Just the three of us.

Imraan: But, but…. (whispers) I’m not on talking terms with Arjun, remember?

Kabir: It’s okay. We’ll meet up, and after initial moments of awkwardness, I suggest you crack some jokes and arm up to him. It will work.

Arjun: Yay, we’re friends again. I love money.

Laila: Guys, guys, hang on. Here’s what you should do. Arjun, you’re afraid of water – go into the water. Imraan, you’re afraid to meet your dad – go meet your dad. Kabir, you’re not ready to get married – run with the bulls.

Arjun, Kabir and Imraan: Okie dokes.